Anger Management Techniques - 3 Questions to Ask When Angry to Use Your Emotions As Tools
Published: 01/02/2010 by Ed Daube, Ph.D.
We all get angry sometimes. When you Google "anger management", you will find a ton of links and lots of suggestions.
The "experts" will tell you that you have two basic choices with many different options within each choice. The vast majority of these "experts" miss the point. They speak of anger as if it is a runaway car or a menacing dog that must be dealt with rather than as an important tool that you need to learn how to use.
The choices suggested by the "experts" are:
* Controlling anger.
* Ignoring your anger by distracting yourself through telling jokes, yoga, or relaxation.
Most "anger" experts fail to recognize that:
a. Anger is an basic emotion that communicates important information
b. There are times when being angry is both necessary and appropriate
c. It is the behavior of the angry individual that is always the issue, not the anger
d. The real issue is learning how to use your anger as a tool rather than to control it, reduce it or avoid it.
There is a better way: Use your emotions as tools to improve your life and your relationships.
It may surprise you to know that... You do not "get" angry! ==> You experience yourself getting angry. "Wait a minute, now!", you say, "What does that mean?"
Well, when you get into a situation which might be a threat to you, your brain unconsciously prepares your body to fight the threat or flee from it. This is a survival mechanism that humans have had from the beginning of time to help us survive.
When you notice these changes in your body, you label the emotion you are experiencing.
One of these labels is "anger". In other words, you experience yourself becoming angry. When this happens, there are three questions you should ask yourself before you do anything. Asking and answering these questions will keep you from reacting in the situation and doing something you may later regret.
The three top questions to ask when you get angry are:
A. What is at risk?
What does this question do? When you look at "risk", you are assessing the nature of the threat. "Survival" threats are unambiguous and involve your life, your primary finances, or your values. "Psychological" threats are ambiguous and easily misunderstood and involve your ego, your goals,your beliefs or your dreams.
The nature of the threat will determine your response and takes you to the next question.
B. What do I need to protect or accomplish in this situation?
What does this question do? This question begins to match the situation you face with the actions you will take to deal with it.
Protection involves a "survival" risk. You need to do whatever it takes to protect your assets.
Accomplish addresses "psychological" threats and tells you that you have many options including:
* Calming down the situation so you can seek a win-win solution or a compromise,
* Clearing up any misunderstanding that is being seen as a threat and generating anger,
* Deciding what actions are needed to insure that.. *your opinions are heard, *your beliefs are expressed, *your needs are met, *your relationships are maintained or healed, *your disagreements are resolved.
C. What is my most effective response?
What does this question do? This question directs your attention to the RESPONSE you will choose based on reason and away from a REACTION which is an unconscious behavioral outburst.
This question looks at your options and seeks to match your response to the situation and threat you face.
Examples of a response include:
* Taking physical action against a perpetrator,
* Protecting your credit by talking to a supervisor or filing a formal complaint,
* Engaging in conflict resolution strategies to clear up misunderstandings or disagreements,
* Relaxation to lessen arousal so you can take effective action,
* Using distracting techniques such as taking a time out so both of you can cool down and come back later to reach a win-win resolution or a compromise,
* Forcefully, controlling your anger so you do not hurt yourself or someone else until you learn how to use other, more effective, techniques.
Asking the right questions moves you closer to using your emotions as tools.
And now, so that you can begin to use your emotions as tools to improve your life, I would like to invite you to go to http://www.emotionsastools.com and claim your free instant access to my report entitled Emotions in Motion: A Primer to Harness Your Feelings.
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